A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
181.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers