So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
You Might Also Like
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
inside you are two wolves
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
#ParentingFacts
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
🔦🌙👣
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist