Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”