584.
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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
screw you
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”