Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse