If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
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Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Owl Sanctuary
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?