Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
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me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.