I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
You Might Also Like
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
[eats all your cotton candy]
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Wait a second…
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.