My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
i meant to share this earlier
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.