THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
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I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind