Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
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Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.