Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
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Art by Pastelkatto
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.