“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
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Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
hmmm
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.