You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Raisins are grape jerky.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably