Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.