If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.