imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
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Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?