You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is