Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I have a new favorite meme page
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
cry laughing at this shit
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.