Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
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My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.