*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
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In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.