This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
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33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Y’all ready for this
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
oh you like architecture? name three walls
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I don’t make the rules sorry
*orders delivery*
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.