Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Breaking news:
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.