Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..