When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up