Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
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Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife