My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…