Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
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WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”