Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.