If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.