ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
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A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Good morning y’all ☀️
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.