I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
You Might Also Like
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic