Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Living the best life.. 😊
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.