I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
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Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
The 4 stages of a family vacation
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda