My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.