Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
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I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol