1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Practicing safe sax
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.