Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]