The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
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Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.