if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
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Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.