People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
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Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I know a bad idea when I see one.