Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again