Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
😲 WTF? 😆
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis