A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.