Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Ion see the issue
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.