St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
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Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head