They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Friday
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
We avoided this particular disaster
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words