The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”