A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
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“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?