My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
The cashier just checked me out.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.